*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
You Might Also Like
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too