Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
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[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
This 4th of July, please remember…
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?