Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
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If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.