@Sarcasticsapien

Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can’t even do being unconscious right.

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@punmagnate

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

@Book_Krazy

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

@Ristolable

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

@MNateShyamalan

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

@RummyLauded

I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

@simoncholland

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

@DaveAhdoot

Tim Cook has announced that he’s gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple

@sensual_dad

just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality