“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can’t even do being unconscious right.
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“Some people call me the space cowboy”
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Tim Cook has announced that he’s gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple
just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality