(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
This is enough internet for the day.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.