having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
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me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
subtitles are so good nowadays
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min