Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
New mindset, who dis?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.