Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I know this now 😂
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
work smarter, not harder
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.