[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

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All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.


*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*


Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant


Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.


The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn’t prepare you for the real world.


I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done


I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…


At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.


If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.