@murrman5

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

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@JPLFR80

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

@lildandeli0n

*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*

@dimplesticks

Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant

@LostFelicia

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

@TheJessicaLong

The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn’t prepare you for the real world.

@bridger_w

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

@jordan_stratton

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

@mattgallo123

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

@neiltyson

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.