[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…