Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day