@ChemBtwnUs

Having dinner with my phone and some people.

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@theshamingofjay

“Sit”
dog sits

“Down”
dog lays down on floor

“Play Dead”
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

@3sunzzz

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

@AmishPornStar1

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

@rickolantern

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

@rachelheldevans

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

@Tommytoughstuff

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

@lovemydogduck

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.