@ChemBtwnUs

Having dinner with my phone and some people.

You Might Also Like

@ddsmidt

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

@macchiatonumb

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

@edwardsnathn

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

@JustDontBugMe

[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros

@PetrickSara

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

@KyleMcDowell86

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@LuvPug

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.