Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Having dinner with my phone and some people.
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Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Her: I froze my eggs.
Me: ??? ??? ??????
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
God: We need to create something Magical
Angel: Yes, Sir
G: Call it Unicorn
A: *Tries and fails
G: Call it rhinoceros
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.