If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
X-tra spooky blend
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
bias laundering edition
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.