Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
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He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My dad.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?