[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
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Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.