Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”