“you changed” bro i was 15
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Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Breaking news:
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty