Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.