@sarcasticmommy4

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

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@DannyZuker

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

@KentWGraham

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.

@TheAlexP

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

@lazerdoov

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

@TheWoodenslurpy

My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me.

“It’s not you,” he said, looking around. “It’s them.”

@ozzyunc

Society’s a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.

@LeonEarlgrey

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

@Fickle_Filly

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.