Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.


Oh I’m definitely a cat person

*lays on the couch and glares at you until you feed me


I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good


Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.


Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl


Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…



I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed


Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week


Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆