Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

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Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.


[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!


“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs


Fun trick to play on your partner: “Don’t you remember what day this is?”


Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.

“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”


There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.


How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?


Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.


My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.