20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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Oh I’m definitely a cat person
*lays on the couch and glares at you until you feed me
I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl
Mr. Buffalo: And a boy
Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆