@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

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@76coop

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

@sweetmomissa

Oh I’m definitely a cat person

*lays on the couch and glares at you until you feed me

@nyctwon

I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good

@Knorg

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

@RobElliottComic

Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl

Me: SWEET!

Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…

Bi-son

@AnExocticBeach

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

@FU_TangClan

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

@Birdhumms

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆