Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
want me to check your oil?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.