@Izianikapani
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
@tchrquotes
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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@Izianikapani
@CornOnTheGoblin
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
@Carbosly
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
@clindsaysway
Fun trick to play on your partner: “Don’t you remember what day this is?”
@Rachelnoise
Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.
“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”
@Faptually
I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
@VodkaThursday
There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.
@mjkspeaks
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
@UncleDuke1969
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
@thedad
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.