Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
You Might Also Like
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Life cycle of cat
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.