@atthecubicle

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

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@CMHorrocks

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

@internetluke

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

@SuperJuanderer

If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses

@DothTheDoth

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

@funflaps

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

@FatherWithTwins

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

@Tommytoughstuff

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

@GrantTanaka

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

@jctwritesstuff

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT