Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit


*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!


Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.


Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”


HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?


New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.


Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly


My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”


Interviewer: what’s ur biggest flaw?

Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people

I: but ur resume is impeccable

M: I think u mean unpeccable


The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the