Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
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[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
The photographer’s assistant
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it