Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
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‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
A collection of me turning into random objects.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.