Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
cause of death:
autopsy.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”