Having my oil changed today, but I need proof it’s really changed. I’ve been hurt by oils before & I’m not going through that again.

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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.


What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes


I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.


“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”


Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot


Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.


“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.


Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.


FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.


KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.