@jtrulez

Having my oil changed today, but I need proof it’s really changed. I’ve been hurt by oils before & I’m not going through that again.

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@lorigonzalez28

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

@bossy_bootz

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

@ZombieProblms

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

@ibid78

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
*sighs*
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”

@MarloMeekins

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

@jenhasgreathair

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

@SondraDeeMe

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

@TheAndrewNadeau

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.