Having my wisdom teeth pulled.

They have nothing left to teach me.

I must learn on my own from now on.

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“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”

Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism


Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.


Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.


[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.


can we normalize asking people how they want to be cared for?

like, i’m a fixer. i know i’m a fixer. when people come to me upset i feel the need to solve the problem they’re having.

but not everyone needs a fixer, sometimes they need a listener or a hugger ya know?


[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and glโ€“ [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea


I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?


Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.


I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it’s 7:30 already. You’re gonna be late for work.