Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@_youhadonejob1

qo? ?uo p?? no?

@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”

Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism

@rikpayne

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

@slimmy_shady

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

@Darlainky

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

@fandomkynz

can we normalize asking people how they want to be cared for?

like, i’m a fixer. i know i’m a fixer. when people come to me upset i feel the need to solve the problem they’re having.

but not everyone needs a fixer, sometimes they need a listener or a hugger ya know?

@MatCro

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

@AntozWolf

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

@delusions_of

Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.

@Aredubbleyou

I hate being that creepy guy outside your window, but damn girl it’s 7:30 already. You’re gonna be late for work.