Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”