Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

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When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch


Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.


9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.


I always read my wife’s Horoscope to see what kind of day I’M going to have.


9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.


My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”


Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have?

6yo: $60

Me: That’s correct, son.


As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”


She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.