Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Has science gone too far?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
subtitles are so good nowadays
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.