@heatherlou_

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

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@weinerdog4life

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

@TheMichaelRock

Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.

@imence2

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

@Baz_3000

I always read my wife’s Horoscope to see what kind of day I’M going to have.

@gruffybeard

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.

@birbigs

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

@TheMichaelRock

Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have?

6yo: $60

Me: That’s correct, son.

@plethoricjake

As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”

@iGreenMonk

She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.