my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
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American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”