“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
i meant to share this earlier
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.