@ksej

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

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@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”

@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@FO_ASchatz

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

@amazymay72x

Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s.

Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.

@MyMomologue

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

@ChaseMit

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

@rebrafsim

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!