Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
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Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!
Thanksgiving at the Primes
Someone in Russia doesn’t like cyclists.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s.
Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
White parent Vs Arab parents
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!