ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.
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Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’ve chosen a goat.
I told my vodka about you.