@delusions_of: Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.
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@sixfootcandy: Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most. Him: No, it's because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
@DaddyBeerGuy: Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy.. with interlocked fingers.. INTERLOCKED FINGERS? send bail money!
@ScottLinnen: All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
@LlamaInaTux: [Being Tortured] Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for? Me: Is it... Is it for creme brulee Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant