@delusions_of

Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.

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@Mindless4Miles

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

@dafloydsta

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

@squirrel74wkgn

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

@Unathi_

That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh

@YourAnonNews

1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?

@RandallOtisTV

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

@rebrafsim

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@toni_goldsetin

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”