How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”