@delusions_of

Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.

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@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

@Not_a_JesusGirl

I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”

@pleatedjeans

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

@marcia_bee

Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@TeaAndCopy

My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I’ve chosen a goat.