Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.

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“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*


I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.


I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*



That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh


1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?


The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators


Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so


the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us


My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”