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@peteholmes

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@Contwixt

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

@BubblesnBooze

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

@oliviathepig808

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

@poutinesmoothie

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

@Sanbel11

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

@dannyboy7813

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

@sixfootcandy

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.