Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
You Might Also Like
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.