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@UncleDuke1969

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

@mattgallo123

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

@WeissBrandon

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

@WilliamAder

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

@kelkulus

Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump

@HansGrubertron

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

@JohnLyonTweets

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

@CornOnTheGoblin

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

@recursivetaco

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

@iwearaonesie

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!