@GrantTanaka

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

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@ObscureGent

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

@QuiteQuietOne

Thanks to yesterday’s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.

@WilliamAder

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

@ChrisScarlette

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

@ArfMeasures

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

@ChaseMit

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

@brennadine

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

@GrillinChillin9

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.