Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog