[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

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You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.


This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.


“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”


COP: put ur hands in the air
ME: ok
C: now flip them over
M: k?
C: now cross them
M: what
C: put them behind ur head
M: why-
C: hey macarena


Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there


Harper Lee: This is the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had

Mockingbird: Oh big surprise you stupid idiot

Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*


Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.


Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.


Guys at work are always like “why are your shorts so short?” Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know