[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
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random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My purse is deeper than some people.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed