Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
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This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
COP: put ur hands in the air
C: now flip them over
C: now cross them
C: put them behind ur head
C: hey macarena
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Harper Lee: This is the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had
Mockingbird: Oh big surprise you stupid idiot
Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Guys at work are always like “why are your shorts so short?” Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.