Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
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{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
that colleague who touches your screen
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
This could’ve been an email.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]