@rockymomax

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

You Might Also Like

@maisonshouting

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

@Ah_kee_oh

No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.

@Marlebean

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

@AndyAsAdjective

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

@Worstwizard

“Yeah I’m still single”
• resigned
• whiny
• framed as a personal failure

“None of mankind’s champions have yet proven worthy”
• Powerful demigod vibes
• affirmation of high standards
• discourages cowards

@mexinonblonde

Him-You have the most beautiful lips.

Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
Thank you.

@karanbirtinna

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

@canadasandra

What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.