[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
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9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
BRAKING NEWS!!
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.