[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*