@rockymomax

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

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@DurtMcHurtt

[laying on the hood of a car, gazing at the stars]

I bet zebras make piano sounds when you pet them.

@StarksWeek

You can tell Tim Horton’s is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.

@ch000ch

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

@MattyIceUS

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

@KimmyMonte

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

@hammbone84

Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.

@iLikeCatShirts

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

@Marlebean

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

@jackiembouvier

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

@andrybd

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.