[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
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[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?