HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
kitchen magnet
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
i’m laughing very hard in real life
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person