I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Jupiter
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Succinctly put.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.