My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
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The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
how to have fun when you’re poor
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest