@rockymomax

[having sex]
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Her: Deeper!
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?

You Might Also Like

@GingerGander

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

@MoneypennyNaked

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

@DanMentos

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

@secondofhername

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

@gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

@murrman5

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”