[having sex]
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Her: Deeper!
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?

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A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.


Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?


Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?


I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.


My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.


Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.


Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.


life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus


If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.