If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?
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I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Child: What about-
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
~ gas pumps
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”