Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?
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I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Tried a new approach oan the auld tinder