If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
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A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.