[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
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Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.