When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
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11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Breaking news:
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”