I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
You Might Also Like
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
channeling her this year
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
At least try to make it slightly believable
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.