Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
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My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?
Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.