Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
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What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I hope they boil the right one.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
bury ourselves
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*