@KickSumHunibuns

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

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@jordan_stratton

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

@heyitsJudeD

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

@ArfMeasures

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

@AnOrangeSNES

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

@Rachelnoise

Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.

@RealCarrotFacts

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

@sbellelauren

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

@CAshmanActor

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

@ThinkingSavage

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.