Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…