Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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Found the job I’m suited for
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.