Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives