Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real