Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
You Might Also Like
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
The asteroid..
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’