Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
dam girl
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.